Old style

My friend and I have been trying to come up with really interesting.. I don't even know what they're called. Sayings? Corny sayings as in "That's all she wrote.." or "When in rome..". Basically we make up stupid sentences with those in them. They're even better when they don't make any sense. Well that's my day. This is dedicated to gaby..

It's the smiling on the package
It's the faces in the sand
It's the thought that holds you upwards
Embracing me with two hands
Right will take you places
Yeah maybe to the beach
When your friends they do come crying
Tell them now your pleasure's set up on slow-release

Birds lament

Not much of a day for writing. Possibly the laziest day I've had in a while. I pretty much ate my weight in cereal last night and now my kidneys hurt. I have no idea why, but they do. I have a feeling it's because of my spontaneous sleeping positions and the hour I go to sleep. Three am has never done any good for me anyways. What has time ever done for me that I should respect a bed time?

I had the greatest dream. I dreamt that I was at the shore of a lake when it was really misty or foggy like the weather usually is in the morning. While standing there I smelled rain clouds. Then the smell of rain clouds was continued by the smell of the asphalt when it rains at school. It's always on the rainy days after school, that my mom is always late. Then the smell of the rain on my rubber shoes going into my moms compact car with a gross stained carpet interior. I should worry about the SATs which I have not given a shit about since I heard about it my freshman year. I probably should care by now.

I'm not bored and I'm not occupied, cluttered night table.

The trick is

When I write, I write to make something, anything, out of what I'm thinking. I think a lot. I think the worst in the most incompatible situations I put myself through. When really, there's a nice little exit door I've thought about taking but don't. I've gone through so many friends, I've gone through fights, I've gone through family members, but still there is someone or some reason for me not to leave everything I have. I use the exit door as a metaphor because I think of when you don't like a movie, you like to let the other movie goers know of your dislike and go through the big exit door with the big neon exit sign. Slamming the door in the quiet movie theaters is your statement on the quality of the movie. Stupid? I know.

It all honestly doesn't matter to me anymore. I have enough things to worry about, as if it's a bad thing. I think if I didn't have things to worry about, I'd be a pretty bland person. I always say I'm fine, which I am.. now, but in reality I'm good.

This time, when I felt like I was this earths biggest obtainable asshole to her, she still loves me and still wants to be best friends, and still wants to eat waffles together, even though she too has had the exit door as an option in our relationship. We'll all come to our senses.

http://www.torirusse.blogspot.com/

This could be for you

I could be exaggerating when I say yesterday was the worst day I've had in a while. I am on my vacation, I get with friends, I argue with friends, I yell at my own best friend then seconds later apologize. I sleep in sporadic positions that at the moment, feels comfortable until I wake up at the bottom of my bed with a stiff neck. Sounds like the life, but what more can I possibly complain about. I don't write in third person (anymore), I haven't quit my dirty habit, I noticed since I haven't been in a relationship for almost four or five months, that I've bitten my nails franticly hoping something would happen if I didn't have any fingers left.

Yesterday was Saturday. Saturday night consisted of me, on my full sized bed, sitting upright on the right side of my bed. I have my molskine book open to a new page with the usual heading. All of a sudden I write down one sentence and in two minutes I start crying. Like fuckin balling my brains out. When I finally whipped the snot off my face with my shirt, I sat there staring at the large painting I have. So I took it down.

This has been happening to me for a while now. It stopped for some time while I was out and about, happy as could be. While I was still laying on my back, I slouched to my normal upright position and sat there. I sat and thought about all the things I have that make me happy so I can start gettin ma shit on the bright side. Things I'm passionate about, a person I'm passionate about but just talk to every now and then. Even that small talk makes me happy. Writing, painting, drawing, walking, basically any verb minus fucking.. Makes me happy. Besides running, whenever I'm running it's always for a bad reason.

There you have it. Saturday August 16th, in a nutshell.

What a depresso I've come to be.

A little little

So I'm guessing the 1, 200 answers my question from two days ago. I am the happiest I could ever be. "I could die right now Clem. I'm just... Happy."



Let's shag ass


If you like band recommendations and free cookies, here's both:

It sounds almost exactly like fresh baked cookies.

It's simple

Complication is part of our everyday. Then it's love, wether it be husband and wife or just friends, then truth, lies, or doing something for a friend for their own protection. I'm not speaking in third person either. There are just some things people don't let go of from the past. There are a million and one ways to redo something to make it easy to solve or do. As of now, to one person I know, someone who raised me, he has a million and one problems and there is in fact no easy way out.

Being someone who looks up to him greatly, I wish every day that I can make things easier on him. I do whatever I could and I do whatever I can in my power to ease situations by not making them so hard. Like getting into trouble in school or outside of school. I try not to for so many reasons. It takes almost a year to gain trust back and it's been almost a year and there still isn't that much trust there. Well so it seems with one of them.

She, on the other hand, thinks of herself too much. It's okay for someone to put themselves before the ones they are married to for almost twenty something years, but again in certain situations, she should respect the others wishes and just do what they ask. They don't ask for much, so respect what they say. She's a great woman and her and I have had our rough patches. I'm not saying she's unreasonable either, I'm not exactly complaining about her too. I'm just saying she needs to find a way to settle her anger for situations instead of on him, or the best and most often used.. Me.

It would be the other way around for her too. I know him, he would. He cares more for us than he does for himself and it shows in his discreet and soft personality. Although we've been through a lot, I've never chosen a side to stay on. I've been given an ultimatum and no one my age likes those. Of course, maybe because they make no sense but that could also be because we, at some time, were "too young to know what's going on".

This is all I have to say. It's a time like this where I wish she was around more often.. Or still lived here.

And so it stops

The mood swings are back. The not sleeping. The listening to too much music. The writing. The zero drawing. The writing of things over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I'm not sure if it's because I have the computer in my possession but I just don't sleep anymore.

Just a couple of hours ago, no more than three, I was talking to my friend about how I don't have anything to worry about. I'm so carefree that I'm not doing anything with myself. I'm so used to worrying about someone, something, a situation? Nothing. Because there's nothing going on with me. There's nothing I look forward to in my days anymore. Now I just sound like a pretentious whinny bitchy asshole. I'm so carefree I'm annoyed with myself. How do I live with myself. I'd die if I bought an apartment with myself. Even if I split the rent with myself.

Gay gay gay gay gay. It's all really nothing to me. I just have to remember one thing that was told to me and my spirits are raised. I literally probably read it every day and yes, I saved it in my phone. Even in the most bipolar mood I'm taken in from, I'll remember what you said.

There, that'll give you something to think about. Remember, I'm fine.

My feet weren't made for the sea

They were made to be free.

And a family filled day it was. I really don't have much family nor family members but I count my friends as family. Although I saw my friends the past two or three days, I spent today with my sister, whom I haven't seen in a while, and my parents. It was also nice to go out for dinner for the first time in a while, all four of us. Fat burger counts as a family restaurant. A dinner then a movie. Date night? Not exactly. We saw Julie & Julia, thank god I ate before or else I would have eaten everything in my vision right when I got home. Everything looked sooo good in the movie it would make a fat woman over dose in her seat.

I tried making a constellation out of freckle like birthmarks on my upper right arm. It came out to look like a pizza. Well that was that. Also, I downloaded a bunch of free music, not so shitty music. Some techno, not so big on techno nor dance/ trance music. Some people already are deeply informed, but there are a couple songs so whatever.

man vs wild premier, I'm pretty excited seeing that he's my boyfriend and all. Fuck his children and wife.


WHOO REEADS THIS SHHIT?!!

Ten things

Please don't think of me as materialistic. I may be but I don't know.

1. A love life
2. Happiness
3. Molskin[=]e
4. Musica
5. Certain friends
6. Melancholy death of Oyster boy, my favorite book
7. Telephone
8. Asspod
9. Seester, I don't know if this falls under #5
10. My pups and family.

Well I thought NONE of that through. It all just came to mind. As of an hour ago, I've been alone in my room. My friends left and I'm now here with my dog who is asleep behind my neck. It kind of looks like a small fox scarf except with a puppy face. It literally felt like my friend stayed at my house for a week. It was great, I thought today was tuesday and yesterday was monday and monday was sunday. Jesus christ was I wrong. So I wrote the wrong date on a check. Not good at all.

When I was little I used to love to not know what date or day it was during the summer cause then it actually felt like a summer. Me not knowing what the date was made everything go by so slow. And it did. Tomorrow is thursday market and Jurassic Park at the Fox theatre! Gaalsdkflkghkldjf. I love evurthing.

Good morning sunshine turd. They fart aaaall over each other. It's cute.

The wall

Wow so my my music phase today is Flo Rida. No joke, Flo Rida and Gritts and Immortal Technique. Doowwn hill.. You say he's just a friend is probably my favorite song. And Ohh Ahh.

Last night was amazing. Pageant of the Masters was amazing, everything was amazing. That's really all I can use to describe it. I have to learn more adjectives to describe awesome things. It made my week :)

This is what I woke up to.

I made a list of movies I'd like to see. Well, when they come out. Some are out.

- (500) Days of Summer
- Away We Go
- An Education
- Adam
- I Sell The Dead
- New York, I Love You
- Paper Heart
- Paris
- Holmes
- Taking Woodstock
- NOT New Moon. Fags.
- What Goes Up
- Where The Wild Things Are (a must)
- Whip it
- White on Rice

I get free movie trailers and I had nothing to do at 3 am so why not?

Always always always

When I'm out of school, everyone goes back to work to continue their lives and I never have a ride anywhere. I just sit in my room and watch my dog discreetly steal my shoes and drag them all to his bed. I just lay here on this stupid computer, but I have to admit, when I was in school, I wished I was alone at home on this stupid computer. I'm a little excited to start school. In a way not really because people I used to go to school for, won't be there anymore. That's a number of people too. I still have to call my Little sister. Every junior gets and incoming freshman to man handle. I don't get the purpose of it really. I'm sharing mine with my best friend so I can't complain. I watched two movies last night and found the remote control to my laptop.

This is what I walk into everyday. Except most of the time it's made because I don't leave my bed unmade.

All by myself

Good Good Good Good Good Good.

Postage

Cleaning cleaning and moving and more cleaning. I noticed today that I have music phases. I don't know why I have them, I just do. I don't mind this weird new found characteristic of mine, it's nice sometimes because it's great music and it feels good just to listen to it. I once had an opera phase for two days with one of my friends in like seventh grade. Nice to try new things.

We hat. End of story. Liz looks like Cheeseasaurus Rex.

I'm here

I wonder how many types of tea there are. I think the one I'd like to try is the Blossom Tea like in Marie Antoinette. We all listened to awesome 90s music, always a great way to relax. 90s music, tea, crackers, and camel crushes. I was at awe with everything. It would have been better if one of my other friends could have come, but it was nice anyways. Now I've resorted to watching The Real World, which I am now changing it because I hate it. I also hate LMFAO. What a stupid waste of a band. Not even, a group. The Real World is full of sex and stupids. Yeah, stupids. I'm still very excited for Devendra!!

Snorkeling in space

They should have that in the future. Scuba diving? I'm sure that's basically what astronauts are. Deep space scuba divers. Such a great day, a great beginning to a great greatness for me. Went shopping, good thing I hate it because I didn't find shit. Went to a piercing parlor in long beach to look at wooden and or bone gages only to discover how expensive they are for the size I'm getting. I bought two vinyls today at fingetprints on 2nd street. Animal Collective and Iron and Wine ft Calexico. How sweet it is. All I can say is woop.

Everything is illuminated

I came home, watched a pirated korean version of Everything is Illuminated online but fell asleep fifteen minutes in and woke up at around seven o' clock. I hate waking up after an "end of the day nap" because you think it's the next day and you don't know what time it is and basically it feels like you been asleep for days. When I was little, that used to scare the shit out of me.

Tomorrow is my last day and I couldn't be any happier, I actually couldn't be any happier right now. Everything is just making me happy. Minus studying |:(. No one likes studying for finals, but we get to use a cheat sheet kind of thing so I'm writing everything of my mathematical knowledge down on the piece of paper. I should pass because it's a regular sized piece of paper and I don't write big at all and there's a lot of information. Woopwoop, I'm set. And I got brain food todayz :D

Requiem of a dream

I want this week to go by faster! I'm almost done with school and I am so fucking ecstatic for my three weeks of summer I have left. It doesn't really matter how many more days or weeks. I just love what's going to be coming up. I got tickets to upcoming shows, hanging out with friends, doing things I've been wanting to do all summer but couldn't, seeing people I've been wanting to see all summer. It's great. Wasn't the best one yet but it's getting there. On top of everything, it's shark week and I got an awesome movie in the mail. It's not SLC Punk btw. I watched that on Netflix.com.

I'm just really happy and stressed at the same time :)

I'll end up like Sean in my future.

It'll happen

Today I was thinking and I got this feeling. I'm going to be seventeen next month. Seventeen, almost eighteen, almost an adult. I may be thinking a huge deal about a birthday or a number I am turning. I'm turning seventeen and I'm nothing. I'm only sixteen now but does that make a difference. Some people are already on their way. I feel stupid for thinking this but I can't expect for me to change over night. I'm being faced with facts every day that I will have to use in my future and I let it go in one ear and out the other. I'm not forcing myself to be a way.

It would be easier if I appreciated more things I guess. Sometimes I feel like nothing compared to other people my age or almost my age. Whether they're a little younger or a little older. They're them, I'm me. Not much I can do about that. See, you ask me what I think about when I'm quiet. They ask me why I think or what I think of. I'm not stupid and I'm not smart. This sounds like an ode to me. Something I'll become sooner or later. Just don't tell me what to do or what I should do. I'm fine.

Well that all lacked intelligence. I just read everything back. I sound like a whinny child. Scratch all that I just said.

Alter

This literally sums up everything. There's a part two.



This one's a bit much and a bit too long.

We cross bridges

I look like shit. It is currently 2:13am and I left my room to get something to nibble on and I walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and I totally forgot about my make up. I'm so used to not wearing any at all or not so much or vis versa, I forget to take it off. Stupid girl shit I tell you. Who has time. If you have time to die, you don't have time to put on make up. Write that down.

I met so many animals today. Saw many vegetables, a magic show and some guy blow glass. Andrew and I share the same hate for ravers wearing obnoxiously too much kandy. It all was so interesting I didn't want to leave. I just typed all of that with my eyes closed. They're super dry. This is a deep fried twinky. I've been waiting almost six years to have this heart attack looking pastry. It turned out it was alright, but not something I would have twice.

Later on today, my friend lauren and I are going "backpacking" up a hill in villa park. Well we're going to try to. We always want to do fun things but when we plan them, they hardly ever work out. But first, we skate. I skate, she's gay.