Our life's a bad movie

I stayed home today. I didn't feel like dealing with people I'll have to face eventually or go to english, health, speech, spanish. My very much hated classes. It's not that I'm avoiding people, it's not just on person, but I don't feel like having another anxiety attack. I had one saturday and I don't want it again. Hopefully the rest of the week will make up for it and be worth a shitty beginning of the week.

I'm sitting in my now kind of empty room listening to Devendra and Brooke Lee. I may start up painting today. I'm also wearing my rapist t-shirt from halloween, kind of wore it to bed.

Good morning, this is breakfast

Good night, this was last night

Finally got my homecoming pictures. I love that I went when I deeply hate dances.

"There are no exceptions to the rule that everyone thinks they're an exception to the rules" Banksy

Coconut skin

Guess what? I can't sleep. I don't hold the ability to sleep any longer. Thank you by the way. So what I am doing is watching Weeds still and then maybe some L word and then maybe some Dexter. See what has happened to me. I'm so happy. (4:00am)

Edit:

Wow, I was up till about 5 o'clock. I tried to watch the sunrise but I'd have to be in my sisters room. You can only see the sunset from my window, which I watch every day. Except for yesterday, it was cloudy.

I picked up another job application to pass the time I have on my shoulders. Keep my mind off things. I now have a working walk in closet. I can walk about three feet into it, is that considered an actual walk in? I wonder. I also found a graduation scrap book one of my mother's friends made me, I looked so... needless to say normal? I liked my hair, it was my natural black or just really really dark brown. Now it's orange, trust me not purposely.

Whaat to do with my day. Knocking the screen off my window was a great idea, my room feels crisp and fresh. Just wait till summer when I get my carpet out and recover the sweet sweet hardwood floor beneath. 

I'm also giving up irresponsible people. Not erasing them permanently from my life but just rejecting and ignoring their very irresponsible moves they pull and somehow me into it. If you get me into something, my mother gets into it, which will all eventually end my life.

What ever happened to Pterodactyls?

You know who's a good man?

Post script; I kind of want Toms.

Body in a box

A long long time ago in a fit of frustration, I walked to Panda Express in Amerige Heights to eat because someone refused to make me something to eat. I think I was in like seventh grade. I got my fortune cookie and it said, "Your life will be peaceful and fulfilling". Thinking it will actually come true, I taped it to the back frame of my bed reading it every other morning. Four years later, nothing has happened, except for me loosing my trust in fortune cookies.

Yesterday was a very busy day. In the morning my school walked to CSUF across the street to help and volunteer at the Faley Games which is the special olympics. It was fun and the little disabled kids were cute. My friends and I were afraid of getting a special buddy to watch over for the whole day so we volunteered in the kitchen. It was up to us and two other tables to assemble 6,000 burgers in an hour. I felt like my half mexican roots were out while I was pumping out patties and buns in McDonalds. I hate McDonalds by the way. It was all really fun and made me tired. I had lunch under a tree far from the festivities on campus. It made me want to actually go to college. I just know what I'm riding from class to class. Not a fix gear but an Haleiwa, Waimea, or Laniakea bamboo series Sector 9 boards.

I also made my conformation yesterday. I guess it's bad if I felt the same from when I entered the church and when I left. Whatever, I'm still the same anyways. I don't think I'll be changing anytime soon. I change my hair more than myself, haha how lame. I also really want Rose Black Tea Boba right now, I'm firstay.

Cleaning and rearranging my room, painting and working out are great ways to help get over something. It really keeps your mind almost permanently off things. It felt alright for about an hour.

Because I had to and liked it

An in class spanish project of me professing my daily beatings to my wife (wednesday)

This man and his voice

Cheers.

Against the grain

I just got back from the play, the only good part was Monica as the Korean mother which was the very very last thing, literally. That was it, my stomach was growling the whole time. And for once I was comfortable in what I was wearing and I basically wore it for nothing, Haha how nice. I finally found a website that showed free episodes and seasons of Weeds with out giving me a 72 minute time limit. Well, tomorrow are the Faley Games, it's like the special olympics but cooler because it's with the Faley's. My whole school of like 700 or something girls are walking to CSUF, that's going to be so unorganized. I feel like $100.

I'm going to watch Weeds and go to sleep and wish.. 

I've got a day of walking tomorrow, oh and I'm making my conformation tomorrow.

I need to get normal pictures, my phone isn't working well with email.. Even though that's what Blackberries were made for.

"Then she went to the pay-shower and pumped quarters for an hour, even though she made it she still felt violated. Wrapped the soap with a rope around her throat, said dear god I really hope you let me in heaven cause I'm only eleven and I got no place to go."

Salvation

Ice Monster

I had a rarely fine day, happy to say. Was not fantastic, but livable!

I don't really feel like writing though, so I guess I'll keep this short. I had Pinkberry again today. That's what happens when my dad discovers a Pinkberry right across the street from our former frozen yogurt place by our house. Our options are Frucci, Yogurtland, Pinkberry and some Friars place in down town fullerton. Not bad, not bad. But I always get raspberries with my yogurt, always guud.

Tomorrow is the play with Lauren and Gaby, probably my only highlight of my week, how sad.

By the way, my phone is refusing to send me my own pictures. 

"What a beautiful day, what a beautiful dream. Let me hold it close to breathe"

I want to see this again

A change of comatose

How pathetic am I. I'm changing, trying to change. I'm just not succeeding. I guess I won't get it right until I actually start to notice me doing the right thing. Thus another mediocre day, they're all going to be like this for a while. Thursday, some play thing that I'm going to. It's not really just some play thing, it's the play I could be working. The play I could be happy at, but if I were to work it, I'd probably not respect it so much, stupid theatre. I'm fine, don't worry about me.

I stayed up last night, reading. I've been reading the same part over, over, and over again trying to get something out of it. Happiness is the meaning of life, the meaning of life is happiness. Without happiness, there will be no me. There's no happiness in me so there is no me. I also started reading about Consciousness and how it works in the human mind. How "thinking" works, our imagination, dreaming, surreal living in our pictured lives that will eventually not happen, basically all "if only's". But my favorite part was a quote from René Descarte whom is a French Philosopher. "I think therefore I am", do we really have a mind?

I'm on my edge, my verge.

An attempt to tip the scales

What a mediocre day. I think I'm happier when I am yet to know certain things I wouldn't want to know. I got my hand closed on a door which left three swollen fingers in the morning, three swollen cold fingers. Dr. Mafia was scarring us about the Swine Virus and telling us how we have a possibility of not coming home from school because we're going to die on our way home. He's my third favorite teacher. Then there was Barclay with her infamous stories, it's like she's stoned all the time.. maybe because she is. Upside: I got my Philosophy book back from gonad face lauren. Gaby prepared a nice "orange theme" lunch for herself, lauren and I. My phone won't let me send the picture yet.

I'm going to watch a movie in hopes of it doing some cheering up. I'm in such a bullshit mood, faque yew heart. The only love I'm getting is from spooning my three dogs. By the way, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs video of Zero is hilarious in the beginning. I'm currently learning Morse Code, it's Samuel Morse's birthday today.

My full name:  _ . _ . . _ . . . . . .  _  . .  _ .  . _

"Im exhausted, I think I'll wake up now."

Currently; Ugly Cassanova

Figure 8

Today is a study day and I'm being left alone all day which means I can be happy today. I'm turning my phone off because I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm sorry if you text me or anything. I woke up and brushed my teeth with my sunglasses on.

I'm blue, if I were green I would die; truth

Shit's and Giggles

What a splendid day. I got to watch my two best friends rugby game and watch huge girls touch and tackle each other. More than one person was aroused at that game. Haha, gaaross. But I did watch my 50th rugby game and it was great. Apparently one girl in the beginning got her teeth knocked out and the ambulance took her away, epic fail for her.

We all concluded to go to the mall. I hate shopping and act pretty childish because I complain about walking, going into a store, buying something, needing to use the restroom, saying I'll sit out here, looking at guy clothes, being hungry and asking if they're done. I don't shop but they like to take me anyways. Buut I got a lot of great stuff! Actually, enfaces on A LOT. Plus these really gay shades and grew a butt-chin:

We later decided to go eat at CPK and spent all of our life savings on two pizza's and one of us finished her own whole pizza, bitch. We got full and fat and tired and all wanted to stab Toria :) Proof:

Then later went to my house and hung out with Satan's Eyebrow and my 6 chins:

Whaat a day. Everyday should be this sweet where I get to hang out with all three of my bes frands and nub-neck-rub mannequins in Jcrew. We also laid on top of each other in one single chair until a woman saw us, we failed so we just left lauren sitting down waiting for more. Ohh Gaby!

The End, my content life.

Euphoria

I could have saved his life. I felt horrible just sitting next to him while watching him die. That bee, I was sitting at a table for about a good hour after school and I was listening to Death From Above 1979 and occasionally put the earphone up to the bee, he started moving. I then felt a little better he wasn't completely dead. It might have been a failed sting attack.

Yeah, I went as far as to saving his life and setting him behind the school by a rain gutter.

From here on, it will get rather lengthy (all after school, alone)

I stayed at school till about five o'clock.. On a friday. After my bee funeral, I decided to walk down the street and wait for my ride on a curb. Got really bored of listening to Elliott Smith and watching teachers leave in their ugly cars, so I began to walk myself up the hill to skyline. As I was walking up the hill I noticed there was a puppy jogging towards me so I take out my earphone and noticed a guy running after the little pug looking thing. I stopped and asked him if he needed help and I called to the dog and the puppy left little muddy paw prints on my tights and skirt. He was adorable, but his old lady yelled at him.. bitch. From there on I just walked alone listening to music. It was getting cooler as I was getting higher and higher up to skyline and the air felt really fresh, it was great. I made it to the top and I turned off my ipod, I looked around and there were just gay mansions surrounding the finished street. I turn around and I could see all of Fullerton all the way to Anaheim hills and Villa Park. I began to walk down in which it felt like 5 seconds when it felt like two hours going up. On my way down, a miracle happened. A giant charter bus parked in front of my school by the drive way. All of a holy sudden, a whole heard of high school baseball players started getting off the bus and walking towards me. I hung up on Lauren and began freaking out, haha. I was acting normal but at the same time felt like everything I hate in a Rosary girl (which I am not) but temporarily I was for about five minutes. They all said "Hey" or "What's up?" or "What's your name?", hahahhaha they were too fresh. Then god's reign of goodness ended and I went back to sitting on the curb listening to Elliott Smith.

Stretchin for the fight at lunch; recorded it.

Great day for Earlimart, I'm so happy. I wish I had a reason.

Feed your head

My health teacher might think that I do every drug known to man. I probably corrected her and said the right answer to each symptom she described. Well I did just finish a project in which I'm presenting tomorrow about drugs and the main era drugs were big was mainly around the 60s. I told her that and she'd just stare at me while she was lecturing so I saddled up the 'ol iPod and did my own notes. I don't need her. Haha, what a jerk. I woke up today with a huge swollen eye to the fact that I couldn't open my eye when I woke up. So mother just sent me back to bed with a cold compress although it's supposed to be a hot compress. Went to the doctor, lied about smoking and felt horrible, but I can only imagine the consequences of the truth, got my prescription, got dressed and went to school just on time for english and lunch. Whatev day.

"It feels like we're running through a field....." we are. "......Of flowers."

FAIL; We like you.

Menos el Oso and The Beatles :( (I never cared for them, I just like two songs)
Post Script, I have a song by Nelly stuck in my head. The one from 2001.

Hi Gaby 8===D~

In between dreams

I've finally figured out what my favorite fruit's are and what my favorite colors are. My favorite fruits are apples and raspberries, it took me forever to realize that's how you spell raspberry. And my favorite colors are just neutral colors: moss green, navy blue, brown, I've liked brown for a while for some reason. For the past couple of days I've been reading different Philosophy books and have truly found a type of literature apart from Gonzo, which has been only one book, I'm in love with it. Everything about Philosophy is so intriguing and it answers so many questions teachers and superiors can not answer with out looking something up. It is truly amazing. If you love me, you'll buy me a Philosophy book. I don't like self picked book, I like recommended books or gift books. I always finish those.

I feel like I should give up on school but I've really been doing that sub-consciencely all of my school career and and frankly I am tired of it so I have been putting a fucking effort into it. I got a good grade on my math quiz so fuck you already. But really, I'm doing alright. School subject over.

I'm eating raspberry cheesecake my dad brought me as a surprise. I'm going to go do something productive.

ReadReadReadReadReadRead; Next to come: Hamlet out loud :(

I've been listening to The Mars Volta for three days straight.

Post Script, happy errf day too!

The Ties that Bind

Funniest spectacle ever:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qO9IPoAdct8

Today was a bitch, I should probably try not to start most of my posts as "Today was..", yeah yeah. I left school early because I didn't feel good. My eye is still bothering me and the heat does horrible things to my body like make me want more grape soda at school. I spent three dollars today trying to get strawberry soda but when I pressed the button, orange came out. So I settled for my favorite, grape. Conformation is a waste of time and I'm convinced religion is a cult. Many people agree with me, and my religion teacher doesn't like calling on my questions because I always get into a battle with her and question every theory known to catholicism, she thinks I'm satan. I don't care, I believe in what I believe and I don't really care. My week is going to be a dud, I want to do theatre tech, it feels as though I have a million and one things one my schedule but when I look in a different calming perspective, it seems so little from where I am.

I didn't do much interesting things today, just had an earthquake drill. Third one in like two months. They're pretty serious about his big three minute earthquake coming in the near future. I love Mr. Mafia, he's my favorite science teacher. He's a total hippie and it's awesome. He told us that when he was dating his wife, he lived up in Santa Barbara and for Earth Day he, his wife and some friends made a giant paper mache model of the earth and it was huge. Sweeet.
Random thought: does water have a flavor?

Ate this; inventive right?

Merry tomorrow Earth Day.

"It's not a matter of choice, just a matter of time." Little Joy; sheck dem owt.

Kullen, I like your shoes :) There are always baby sparrow eggs and the actual baby bird outside my window because of the noisy ass nest above my window..

Fact Printed Stain

So the weather man is not a liar. It is exactly 96º outside. School was horrendous today and I couldn't do my presentation because I didn't have my god damned vest, tights, and dress shoes. Fuck you easy A class! I also got the alright news that I'm not a complete failure and might not even have to go to summer school and pass math and english with a C. WOo. 

I just got a good talking to about not doing school related activities and some very smart person is making me do tech for theatre, this will all fire back at you mother. I am doing something now. May not be something I love, but whatever. Oh and since I don't have to take anymore mandatory classes and want to gut everyone I meet, I can now take Comp & Design and Painting Studio. The classes I've wanted, but down side: Zero period Sports Medicine is a possibility. Gross, wrapping feetz. Anyways, my polo makes me look more tanned than what I really am so no, I'm not Indian. Hahha, that'd be sweet though. I love that there's an AC in my roomz :)

Listening to Landon Pigg

Refreshing; two pumps melon

A new away

My emotions have been on edge since February. Why? Who the fuck cares. I'm happy one week, fucked the next. Just the beginning of something bad. Ms. Hayden says be positive, think positive, shit positive, eat positive. Nothing comes out positive except for poop. I don't know why I'm so bothered right now, I was prancing around to Bob Dylan and dyed my hair, then when I finally sat down, I'm on the verge of breaking. It's like any little thing anyone says to me that is remotely ironic to something happening, can effect a person so grossly. This is annoying, I start school today and everyone is going to be shitting themselves because, hawt shit, it's four twenty. 

Too bad I don't smoke anymore; as much. But there really is no responsible way of doing it. I guess there might be when you hot box your friends car and almost die on your way home by a cop. That was nice, I should stop or do it when cautious. Not to fucking feel cool, that's dumb. And it's not a go-to thing anymore when I'm feeling depressed, that switched to drawing and reading, more productive things.

Well today is the start of the end, fuck you society, fuck you graduation season and double fuck you temperature.

A world forgotten

Wow is my only input on my last couple of days of this sad excuse of a vacation. It went well while it was here. The bad stuff that happened, happened and is still pending my request for more but as of now, I don't give a rattle snakes shit! Piece of advice: don't go watch The Haunting in Conneticut! I'm also on my iPod so some stuff is going to come out way wack. Anyways, saw that movie yesterday and it was weird. Later had an idea for a pretty sweet painting but I need someones face but she needs to come to my house so she can let me paint her face and I have to do mine as well. I'm excited about this one! It might actually work out successfully!

I also watched Savage Grace. It's about this strikingly attractive guy who's gay. Then claire came and I didn't finish it. Yesterday was also great because I got to see my best buddy claire and later in the day when I was finally home, reunited with my old best fran and couldn't be any happier and relieved. Oh how the good things come in the end! "Distance makes the heart grow fonder"
Something I was told that made me feel alright.

I was on my iPod last night so I'm adding pictures now. Not many but I am anyways. I also might have an eye infection.

Ohh Tony

Saw this cute cat yesterday

Off to bath dogs and be a responsible student.

XO

ZERO sleep last night. I got to my best friends house late yesterday, didn't get to swim or tan or noffing. We went over the canoe building plans, skating for a while since she found her other skateboard, then we discovered a wheelchair in the corner of her garage, that plus a mild hill equals my knee practically popping out when I tried to stop. It was all good fun. Then Ralphs and got Redbullshits and got a ride from Kara, Liz brownbrown, and this other kid.. It was all traditional fun.

She played Dustin O'Halloran, it was the most amazing shit I have ever heard that was played right in front of me. It was one of those things where it wasn't that you were just listening to your best friend play just anysong song on the piano, but it was one of those things where you have to let it in. You have to let it enter your ears and pay attention to it or else it won't feel so amazing. I did so, it felt amazing. Right away it changed my mood and made me feel so god damn good. I love it. So since I drank a redbullshit and got home pretty late, that means I wouldn't be sleeping at all. And I was right. I just watched Lonely Island video's and listened to Dustin O'Halloran, Iron and Wine and Sean Lennon Radio on Pandora. The Dustin O'Halloran radio was fucking beautiful, but it didn't work on helping me sleep so I just laid and listened.

So Redbull didn't help me sleep, plus I was too excited for today :)

Beautiful Man; This is the exact song she played for me

We met in the ocean

"I was swimming and he came out to me in a canoe."

I had trouble sleeping last night so I watched the Royal Tenenbaums and half of Eternal Sunshine on my iPod. Im finding it harder and harder to seem normal at home, like pretending that everything is okay is starting not to be my option anymore. Iron & Wine and Animal Collective Radio on Pandora have helped me a lot, it's practically all I've listened to this whole week and I couldn't be any happier with it. I've been keeping to myself and listening to records and doing homework. Homework like this:

A rather lengthy portfolio with visual aid. Those are usually the easier ones to do. Teachers always ask me why I write in all capitals, I find it easier and it keeps me from writing messy, makes me feel organized and apart from everyone else and their bubble writing.

Going to go swimming at a friends house and tan. Seeing as I don't like swimming, I'll probably tan more than swim. I'm trying not to wear my hair up anymore, so my hair can learn how to grow and not be cooped up half it's life. Anyways:

 

"How happy is the blameless vessels lot, the world forgetting by the world forgot, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, each prayer accepted, and wish resigned."

Feebleminded Extrovert

This might be a bit hard to write on my iTouch but I'll try to manage. As of this morning I'm grounded? She took away the computer but forgot about my baby Abigail (iPod). And still went to an amazing show tonight. I swear I will have that man someday. Not in a literal sense.. If only. So the show was great, got hit and bumped into by a drunk white girl with heels on, a stoned out of her mind Asian girl next to me who would every now and then fall face first into the chola's shoulder in front of me. And an older woman who said "oo that's nice.." but in a creepier way when Conor asked for the lights to dim down. All this happening while people were touching me. I thought I was going to stab everyone in their temples. A bit vague but it does that to me sometimes.

Well great show, I'm just about sure I'm never going to have my surgery and I couldn't be anymore pisses off. Whever, I'm holding up. I actually did work today. I put togetherhalf of my marijuana and LSD porfolio for speech. Then I'm going to finally apply for a job and look at prices for cars or just sleep for the rest of the day and niglect my 120 math problems.

My iPod doesn't Do pictures so I'll do that shit in the morning.

Except he had a giant black hat on and wasn't alone

"Victory's sweet even deep in the cheap seats."

Listening to Anthony Green

Lynx

Like I said, it's a two part post because I missed a day by an hour. Deja vu. So there is no reason for me waking up this morning. I missed my ortho appointment, didn't get to go to school in Los Angeles, didn't get to ride the train, woke with a massive headache. I don't know where these headache's are coming from but can you please stop!? As of this morning apparently I'm grounded but if I pretend like I'm in a good mood all today and all tomorrow, I'll get to see both my best friends and my best-best friend friday. God will find his way into this one and change the wind which will make my rents say nooope. Whatevs, I can always just leave on the other hand.

Glasshouse tonight! Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band. Sorry Kullen, I wish you could make it. Learn how to drive stickshift and we'll go to a show :)

Just for today

"Love is like an aero plane
You jump and then you pray
The lucky ones remain
In the clouds for days
If life is just a stage
Let's put on our best show
And let everyone know" - Lennon

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This will be a two part blog since I basically missed a whole day by an hour. I'm beginning to not have time, yet I have all the time in the world. What a horrendous and life ending day. That was a bit of an exaggeration but it was an unbearable day day. Although some small parts made is slightly bearable, it was just awful. I watched my cousins Anthony (8) and Lauren (4?) today and we went to Laguna Lake and feezed our pretty ass' off. That wasn't the bad part, this was after the time I will not mention. I practically didn't speak all day and I was fine with it. It only took two people to get me out of that mood and I mean this in the least cliche way possible but they saved me from being unrealistic. Brought me back to reality, sort of. One played Dustin O'Halloran which made me feel way better and on a separate occasion the other sang Enrique Eglesias which forced the other one to join in and harmonize the chorus to me to help me stop crying, together they explained to me their female dog's orgasm to one's leg, and I love them. I'm re-reading a book I've read twice.

I watched planes take off and land today at Fullerton Airport while my little cousin sang "Big girls don't cry" in her own words, in my ear.

Two steps forward and three steps back

Fear of sleep

"You're a pussy with balls!"